mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
