i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
