you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize
