and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
