She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
