cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
