There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize