Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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