I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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