I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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