So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
