I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Enjoy the penises
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
