he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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