I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
