I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
