He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
