You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Pants are for mortals
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
