He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
