farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
