is your mom at the bar?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize