I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize