Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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