just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
