Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
