I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize