Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
