God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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