My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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