Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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