I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize