my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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