I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
