you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Drunk is not a location!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
