Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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