So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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