the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They are going to name an STD after you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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