I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
