My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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