Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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