Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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