saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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