At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
