You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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