If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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