I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I had your ass I would rule the world
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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