He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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