i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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