im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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