I wish I could punch you in the face.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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