She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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