god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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