so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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