my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
