Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
