Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think I sprained my soul last night
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
